Tag: neurodivergence

Creating Comfortable Holiday Spaces

Posted on by Nicol Walsh

Navigating social interactions can be particularly challenging for individuals with disabilities, especially during the holiday season when gatherings are frequent and often overwhelming. While some people enjoy socializing, they may prefer calm and predictable environments where they can engage in structured activities. Understanding their unique needs and preferences is crucial for creating a supportive and inclusive atmosphere that allows them to participate comfortably and meaningfully.  

A Brief Overview  

  • This is part of a series on the topic of creating joyful holidays for family members, which began in My Family’s Sensory and Adaptive Needs for the Holidays and continues in Sensory-Friendly Holiday Tips  and Giving the Gift of Sensory-Regulation; Supporting a Happy Holiday Season for All.
  • Social interactions can be particularly challenging during the holiday season due to frequent and overwhelming gatherings.  
  • People with disabilities who enjoy socializing may prefer calm, predictable settings.  
  • Structured social activities provide a comfortable way for individuals to engage with others, as they offer clear rules and a shared experience.  
  • Family gatherings can be stressful due to interactions with relatives they don’t see often, leading to feelings of overwhelm.  
  • It’s crucial to respect the boundaries of individuals with disabilities or health care needs, allowing them to make their own choices about social interactions and providing opportunities for breaks to avoid overstimulation.  
  • Understanding and respecting social preferences and boundaries, especially during the holiday season, helps ensure people feel safe, respected, and included.  

Comfort In Calm Familiarity

People with disabilities or special health care needs who enjoy socializing may prefer calm, predictable gatherings. They might like sitting with a friend and playing video games, quietly working on a puzzle together, or playing board games. When faced with a loud, busy family gathering, individuals may withdraw or seek out one person they enjoy chatting with -someone who genuinely respects and understands their accommodation needs, and with whom they can happily spend time with. This person feels safe to them. However, it’s important to recognize that their safe person might need a break too, so having multiple people that they feel safe with can be beneficial.  

Incorporating Structured Activities

For many individuals, having structured social activities like board games or group video games can provide a comfortable way to engage with others. Social rules and nuances can often be confusing, making unstructured mingling feel overwhelming and unmanageable. Structured activities offer a more supportive environment for social interaction with the rules clearly identified and a shared experience to drive conversation. Baking together, wrapping presents, and completing holiday crafts are all shared experiences that have clear instructions and goals. These activities not only make socializing more manageable but also add a festive touch to holiday gatherings.  

Overstimulation With Unfamiliar Relatives

Even meeting with beloved family members can feel strange and stressful. Talking to relatives they don’t see often can be difficult for people as they may feel that they must work out how to talk and act around people that feel unfamiliar. This can be overwhelming since they have to understand and respond to different social cues and expectations that may not be easy or comfortable for them.  

To help ease this stress, consider preparing in advance by discussing who will be at the gathering and what to expect. Shared interests can be a great way to connect with others and make conversations more engaging. Tell or remind your loved one of interests they have in common with relatives they don’t see as often to help start conversations. Socializing can be challenging, so it’s important to be patient and provide support without pressure.  

Supporting Boundaries and Choice

Even with careful planning and maintaining traditions, the holiday season can still be overwhelming. Back-to-back events can be exhausting for anyone, but they can quickly become overstimulating for loved ones with disabilities, health care needs, and/or neurodivergence. Seeing new people or people they only see once a year, having to navigate complex social networks, and often trying to hide their neurodivergent traits to fit in can be very draining. While it is important to encourage your loved one to engage, it’s also critical to respect their boundaries and teach them how to have agency. Agency refers to their ability to make their own choices and decisions about social interactions, ensuring they feel empowered and in control. Allowing them to sit out some holiday parties for the sake of their own wellbeing can be a gift of emotional recharge, ensuring they don’t come out of the season completely exhausted.  

Conclusion

Recognizing and respecting the social preferences and boundaries of individuals with disabilities, health care needs, and/or neurodivergence is essential, especially during the busy holiday season. Providing structured activities and allowing breaks can help them manage the stress and overstimulation that often accompany large gatherings. This can include being aware of touch sensitivities, especially when consent to touch can’t be communicated or understood; preparation is critical. By fostering an environment of understanding and support, we can ensure that individuals feel safe, respected, and included, ultimately enhancing their social experiences and overall well-being. PAVE also has an article that gives more ideas when dealing with touch sensitivities, visit Sensory-Friendly Holiday Tips for more information.

Additional Information:

My Family’s Sensory and Adaptive Needs for the Holidays

Posted on by Nicol Walsh

The holidays are a fun and festive time that often includes lots of change in schedules, foods, bright lights, loud unexpected sounds, new people, and lots of heightened emotional situations (i.e. seeing Grandparents, presents, seeing Santa). All of this is often overwhelming and even disorienting, especially for those families or individuals who may have some challenges in navigating change or experience a disability or chronic health condition.

A Brief Overview 

  • This article shares ideas, tips, and resources around family-friendly tweaks that can be added to Holiday activities to reduce stress and overwhelm.
  • This is part of a series on the topic of creating joyful holidays for family members, which began in Sensory-Friendly Holiday Tips, and continues in Creating Comfortable Holiday Spaces and Giving the Gift of Sensory-Regulation; Supporting a Happy Holiday Season for All.
  • How to plan for both the needs of your children with unique needs and siblings to encourage shared enjoyment.
  • How to use planning, clear communication, and providing a sense of control to create an inclusive holiday season. 
  • Understanding, supporting, and celebrating the unique needs of your family bring a sense of belonging and acceptance, allowing everyone to enjoy the festive spirit. 

Holidays and Families

People often see family get-togethers, new food, music, trips to see Santa, or new social situations as the joys of holidays, but for families who have children with a disability and those family members who experience life a little differently, these experiences can often be overwhelming and/or exhausting. This doesn’t mean they dislike the event or holidays; it just requires some preparation to make the season inclusive and enjoyable. 

It’s the age-old question… How to create an enjoyable experience for your child(ren) with a disability, their sibling(s), and still not exhaust yourself. Here are some tips that many families have found helpful:

  • Plan short outings and pack snacks (long activities are often overwhelming and tiring for everyone).
  • Bring headphones, fidgets, or handheld activities for kids with sensory needs and high overwhelm (it keeps them entertained while their siblings get to enjoy the holiday fun).
  • Have a person to be able to stay and to do active things with siblings, and someone to be able to take those who need to de-stress and wind down to their own space for quiet fun.
  • What are some home holiday things that mimic large activities (one of the Nutcrackers streamed on TV with popcorn and other treats, siblings dressed up as Santa and elves for pictures, building a pillow snow fort).
  • Sending family information ahead of time on sensory triggers and needs so that they understand if you need to leave early, don’t join in an activity, or ask to join in differently.

There is so much to do and enjoy during this time but navigating it takes thinking ahead and not trying to do everything.

What did you do as a family last year? What worked? What was most enjoyable? If you have older children, talking with your family before school gets out to plan and map out some special things will help with boredom. Give jobs to make the activities successful so that everyone helps make it inclusive, have the siblings talk about what they think will help, and make things comfortable and what will help. This makes it a family holiday that is not just the parents’ responsibility. Remembering to plan parent time off during the Holidays is an important self-care tool!

Travel

If travel is part of the Holiday plans, a more robust planning process is essential. Medications and an emergency medical information sheet, if your loved one has a chronic condition, can be downloaded and added to their luggage to tuck in with the medications. The linked sheet is from the F2F website care notebook page.  Having an extra 3-day emergency medication supply, if possible, is often recommended to give breathing room while doctors are contacted if there are travel delays. To support your loved one, consider planning travel itineraries that include ample downtime, familiar items for comfort, and clear, detailed schedules to reduce anxiety. Additionally, choosing quieter travel times and less crowded destinations can help create a more manageable experience. If there are food requirements, pack food that will make it through security and purchase beverages before getting on the plane. As mentioned above, having noise-canceling headphones, weighted blankets, games, and activities can also help reduce anxiety. 

Sensory Considerations

Sensory sensitivities can be a challenge for anyone whose body or brain is trying to process not only what is going on around them but also their own body’s challenges.  Age, length of time in an activity, anxiety, excitement, and how many systems in the body are impacted, all contribute to an individual’s capacity to handle the multiple layers of sensory input that come with Holiday activities. Knowing your child’s and family’s tolerance for those “layers” and what the stopping points are is essential to creating a holiday environment that minimizes sensory overload. This can include soft lighting, reduce loud noises, and provide sensory-friendly activities.

The holidays are just like any other time of change for your loved one. Take their unique sensory needs into account and what their routines are for medication, rest, and exercise. How the holiday adaptation will fit with your family’s rhythm and how your children usually interact. Taking the time to create buffer zones, adaptive spaces, creative personal activities, with spots of celebration and joy for all your family can take what could be stressful and overwhelming to manageable and memorable. To find other information and ideas on Holiday activities and adaptations, see the additional articles on the links below.

Additional Information

Sensory-Friendly Holiday Tips

Posted on by Nicol Walsh

 The holidays are full of sensory experiences. Flickering candles, holiday music, the aromas of food cooking, the fur on an unfamiliar dog, and the sounds of happy family members all provide sensory input. What is a source of joy for one person may be a cause for overwhelm to another. When being around a loved one with a disability, anyone can help manage these varying sensory experiences by planning ahead.

A Brief Overview 

  • This is part of a series on the topic of creating joyful holidays for family members, which began in My Family’s Sensory and Adaptive Needs for the Holidays, and continues in Creating Comfortable Holiday Spaces and Giving the Gift of Sensory-Regulation; Supporting a Happy Holiday Season for All.
  • The holidays bring various sensory inputs that can be joyful for some but overwhelming for others. 
  • Plan for managing these sensory experiences with loved ones and their primary caregivers. 
  • Identify or create a calm space where the person can decompress and avoid or reduce overwhelm. 
  • Preferences for specific sensory supports should be discussed beforehand and regularly with the loved one. 
  • Recognize and normalize self-stimulatory behaviors, or “stims”, that do not cause physical harm to themselves or others as coping mechanisms for managing sensory input and stress. 
  • Plan for touch-sensitive individuals by setting boundaries, providing scripts for addressing unwanted touch, and having an escape plan. 
  • Foster an inclusive environment by understanding and respecting sensory needs, ensuring clear communication, and seeking feedback from loved ones. 

A Calm Space

Identifying or creating a space where someone is overwhelmed can take a break and still have fun eases the intensity and allows your loved one to decompress. The “veg-out room” usually creates itself, when people go there to relax and watch TV marathons while their stomachs settle after a big meal. By dimming the lights and keeping things quiet in this space, you can quickly and easily build a calming environment for overwhelmed or overstimulated family members to retreat, relax, and rejoin social activities when it is right for them. 

Sensory Systems and Preferences

To reduce the potential for being overwhelmed, your loved one may need to wear earbuds or headphones during social periods or other activities. Similarly, weighted clothing or objects (like blankets or stuffed toys) may provide a sense of comfort and security. Sensory supports are not one-size-fits-all, so talk with your loved one about their preferences. If you notice their preferences related to a specific sensory system, they may be interested in exploring other ways to meet their sensory needs at a later time. PAVE provides a downloadable introducing to The Sensory Systems and How to Meet Their Needs in the article, Giving the Gift of Sensory Regulation, Supporting a Happy Holiday Season for All. Resist the urge to introduce new sensory supports without input from your loved one with a disability and/or health care need, especially during the holidays when there are already many unfamiliar experiences to navigate. 

Normalizing Self-Stimulation 

Many people with disabilities do specific repetitive behaviors to manage sensory input, reduce anxiety, or express themselves. These self-stimulatory behaviors, or “stims”, are ways they’ve learned intuitively to comfort themselves, cope in times of stress, and even express joy.  These “stims” can include rocking, humming, or fiddling with clothes.  Allowing your loved one to discuss and normalize non-harmful stimming helps to create a more inclusive environment. Thought-out responses can turn an angry retort into a teaching moment, such as, “Everyone has their own way of being and this is her way of pushing through her discomfort to spend this time with us. She is doing her best and we’re glad she’s here!” 

Touch Sensitivities

Unexpected touch can be very upsetting, especially those who are touch sensitive. The joy and excitement of the holidays can often make us forget that not everyone is comfortable with physical touch, including hugs. When consent to touch can’t be communicated or understood, preparation is critical. If your loved one is touch sensitive, there are some things you can do ahead of time to accommodate and support their needs: 

  • Ask before you touch someone, even if they were OK with something like a hug in the past.
  • Remind family and friends of what a touch-sensitive loved one tends to find acceptable touch before you gather.
  • Provide scripts for addressing unwanted touch from children, pets, and adults. For instance, telling a child, “I really don’t want you climbing on my lap, but you can sit next to me on the couch and show me your game.” Communicating to a pet owner, “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by Cooper trying to put her head in my space. Can you keep her behind the dog gate?”, can help mitigate the overwhelming touch before it happens. 
  • Make sure that there are a few supporters around at times to gently redirect unwelcome touch and serve as a shield. These family members and friends can step in as needed to respectfully uphold boundaries, such as sitting between your loved one and a reaching child or holding an animal to keep it from jumping on them. 
  • Prepare an escape plan for an individual, locating a space they feel safe if they are feeling their boundaries are being crossed, where they can decompress and ask for help.

Conclusion

Creating a supportive holiday environment involves understanding and respecting the sensory needs of loved ones. By providing sensory supports and clear communication about boundaries, you can help them navigate the holiday season with greater comfort and ease. Seeking feedback from their primary caregivers and your loved one and giving them a sense of agency in determining their sensory supports ensures their needs are met effectively. With careful planning and empathy, we can ensure that everyone, regardless of their sensory preferences, can enjoy the holidays and create cherished memories together. 

Additional Information:

Defining your Social Media Game Plan: #Goals

Posted on by Nicol Walsh

Thinking about how you use social media and screens can help you make better choices for your mind, body, and relationships. When you take time to notice how you feel, what you see, and how much time you spend online, you can stay in control instead of letting screens take over. Talking with trusted adults and setting goals for your screen time can help you stay safe, feel better, and enjoy the good parts of being online. 

Think about Yourself

Your social media accounts are all about you! Think about why you are using social media or other screens. Is your goal to talk to friends, find cool videos, or learn something new? Thinking about your goals and what you like helps you control how you use social media, instead of letting it control you. To better understand your goals, ask yourself:

  • What is your goal when you open an app or go online?
  • Did you reach your goal, so you can set it down now?
  • Are you in control of how you use it, or does it feel like it controls you?

Think about What You See

Consider what you see and read online. What purpose does this have for you? Is it something helpful and interesting, or is it making you feel bad? Sometimes you might see things that are mean or make you feel sad, anxious, or even angry. If you notice that what you’re seeing online is often upsetting or distracting you from important things, maybe it’s time to look for content that helps you feel better. You can control some of what you see online by only following pages that make you feel good, and by unfollowing or muting accounts that post things that upset you or make you feel bad about yourself.

Think about what you see online and ask yourself:

  • What kinds of things do you usually look at online?
  • What purpose does this content have for you?
  • If some content makes you feel bad, are there other things you could look at online that might help you feel better or learn something new?

Think about How You Feel

Think about how you feel and how you use screens when you’re feeling strong emotions. Sometimes we use phones or games to escape negative feelings, but there are other ways to calm down, like talking to people you trust, taking a walk, or making art.

When thinking about how social media makes you feel, ask yourself:

  • How does using social media make you feel?
  • Does what you see online make you feel good?
  • When you’re feeling sad, bored, or stressed, do you often use screens or social media to feel better?
  • Are there other ways you can help yourself feel calm that don’t involve a screen?

Think about What Screens Get In The Way Of

Screens shouldn’t stop you from doing homework, seeing friends in person, getting enough sleep, or doing other things. Think about how long you are going to use an app or website and set a clear time limit for yourself. That way, you can reach that time and be able to put your phone down because you planned to stop. To help you set a time limit that works for you, ask yourself:

  • How long are you planning to use social media or a screen right now?
  • Did you set a clear time to stop using it?
  • Does using screens stop you from doing other important things, like homework, spending time with family or friends in person, or getting enough sleep?

Think about Relationships

You can talk with a friend or trusted adult about your online life and how you are feeling about it. By sharing about how you feel about friends online and in real life, you can better understand what purpose connecting online has for you. Talking helps you learn how to use screens safely.

When you think about your friends and family, ask yourself:

  • Do you feel comfortable talking to a parent or trusted adult about your online life?
  • If something online made you feel uncomfortable or upset, would you feel okay talking to someone about it?
  • How do you feel about your friendships online compared to your friendships in real life?
  • What purpose does connecting online have for you in your friendships?

Remember, social media should be something that adds to your life—not something that takes away from it.


Identify Your Five

One way to stay safe online is by using the “Rule of 5,” which means having five trusted people you can talk to when something online feels wrong or confusing. These questions can help you identify five people you can trust:

  • Who do I feel safe talking to when something is bothering me?
  • Who listens to me without judging or getting angry?
  • Who has helped me solve a problem before?
  • Who would I go to if I saw something online that made me feel scared or confused?
  • Who do I trust to keep me safe and give good advice?
  • Who do I feel comfortable being honest with, even if I made a mistake?
  • Who do I know that cares about me and wants the best for me?
  • Who could I call or message quickly if I needed help right away?

Once you’ve identified five people, write them down or save their contact info in a safe place.

Final Thoughts

Taking control of your social media use starts with understanding your goals, feelings, and habits. By reflecting on how, why, and when you use screens, you can make choices that support your well-being and help you stay safe online. Whether you’re setting time limits, curating your feed, or reaching out to trusted people, every small step counts. Keep checking in with yourself, stay curious, and remember—you have the power to shape your digital world in a way that works for you.

Learn More

This self-reflection guide was developed as a practical tool to help implement the strategies outlined in Level Up Your Social Media Game: Digital Safety Tips for Youth and Young Adults with Disabilities.  It is designed to encourage thoughtful engagement with the digital safety concepts presented in that article, supporting users in applying them to their own online experiences.

Family caregivers and professionals can learn how to support kids’ health and emotional well-being by helping them use social media safely. A great place to start is the American Academy of Pediatrics’ “5 Cs of Media Use” guides.

Level Up Your Social Media Game: Digital Safety Tips for Youth and Young Adults with Disabilities

Posted on by Nicol Walsh

Social media has both benefits and disadvantages. To use social media safely and effectively, it’s important to practice digital safety and self-awareness. This guide teaches tips and tools to help you make smart choices and stay in control online.

Brief Overview

  • Social media helps people with disabilities connect, express themselves, and find support—but it also comes with risks that users need to understand.
  • A trusted adult is someone you know in real life who cares about your safety and can help you make good choices.
  • Not everyone online is who they say they are.
  • People may act mean online or post things just to get attention.
  • Be careful what you share and talk to someone you trust if something feels wrong.
  • Anything you post online can be copied and shared. Think before you post, especially if someone is pressuring you to share something quickly.
  • Not everything online is true. Learn how to check facts and find trusted websites so you can tell what’s real and what’s not.
  • Asking for help is smart and keeps you safe.

Introduction

Social media is everywhere and isn’t going away. For people with disabilities, it opens up new ways to connect, communicate, and participate in conversations that might otherwise be difficult.  It can help you feel included and connected. It can be a powerful tool for inclusion and accessibility.

However, while social media offers many good things, it also comes with risks that everyone, especially youth and young adults, need to know about.

Knowing Who to Trust

One of the most important ways to stay safe is by knowing who you can trust, especially when talking to people online. Not everyone you meet online is the same as the people you know in real life. A trusted adult is someone you know in real life who truly cares about your safety and wants to help you make good choices. This could be a parent, teacher, school counselor, coach, or another grown-up you feel safe talking to. They listen to you, respect your feelings, and are there to help you when something is wrong. They are someone you can count on in real life. This is very different from a social media “friend” or “follower” who might be someone you’ve never met in person. Just because someone is nice to you online doesn’t mean they are safe or honest. People online might pretend to be someone they are not, like acting like they are your age to try and gain your trust. This can be part of a trick to try and get your personal information or pictures. Remember, a trusted adult is someone you can rely on for help and safety in the real world, not just someone who sends you messages online.

The Evolving Purpose of Social Media

Social media began as a way for people to connect, talk, and share things with each other. It can be a fun place where kids connect with friends, explore their interests, and learn new things. It can also help kids feel supported and included, especially those with disabilities.

Social media apps and websites are free to use, which makes them easy for lots of people to join. Even though you don’t pay money to use them, social media companies still make money—by showing you ads. The longer you stay on the app, the more ads you see, and that helps the company earn more. In other words, the social media companies are making money from your time and attention. That’s why it’s important to remember that you’re in control of how much time you spend online. When you use social media in a smart way, it can be fun and helpful—just make sure it’s working for you, not the other way around.

Social Media Risks and How to Stay Safe Online

But social media isn’t always safe. Some people feel like they can say mean things online because they think no one will find out who they are. Since they can’t see your face or how you feel, they might not realize how much they’re hurting you—and that makes them less likely to stop. Also, when kids see others being mean online, they might think it’s okay to join in. And sometimes, trying to get likes, shares, or views can lead kids to post things that hurt someone else, even if they didn’t mean to. That’s why it’s important to learn about these risks and talk with friends and family about how to stay safe and kind online.

Cyberbullying

Cyberbullying is when people are mean to you online by sending hurtful messages or making unkind posts. Sharing or forwarding mean content that someone else wrote can is also a form of cyberbullying. Studies show that youth with disabilities are more likely than other kids their age to be cyberbullied.

If someone is being mean to you online, you don’t have to handle it by yourself. Talk to an adult you trust, like a parent, teacher, or school counselor. They can help you figure out what to do next. STOP.THINK.CONNECT, a website that specializes in online safety and cybersecurity awareness, says it’s usually best not to talk back to the bully. Instead, save a screenshot or copy of what they said and show it to your trusted adult. That way, they can better understand how to help you. You should also learn how to block or report the person on the app or website you’re using. Most sites have tools to help you stay safe.

Social Engineering and Trickery

Sometimes, people use social media to trick others into giving away personal information—this is called social engineering. It can happen when someone pretends to be your friend, asks you to click a link, or says something that makes you feel scared or rushed. They might try to get your passwords, address, or other private details. This can be especially confusing if you have trouble telling when someone is being dishonest. That’s why it’s important to be careful about what you share online and to talk to a trusted adult if something doesn’t feel right or makes you uncomfortable.

You have the right to say “No” if someone—even someone you know—makes you feel uncomfortable online. It’s okay to stop talking to them or to question what they’re saying. If something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts and talk to a friend or trusted adult. Some people online may pretend to be kids or teens when they are actually adults with harmful intentions. That’s why it’s important to be careful about who you talk to and what you share in conversations. You don’t have to handle anything alone—there are people who care about you and want to help.

Anything you share online or through your phone—pictures, posts, texts, comments, everything!—can be copied and shared. Once you post or send something, it might be used in ways you didn’t expect or want. Before you share anything, ask yourself if it includes private information or something you wouldn’t want everyone to see. If someone is pressuring you to send something quickly, that’s a red flag. Take a moment to think, and don’t let anyone rush you. Talk to a trusted adult if you’re unsure. Being smart about what you post helps protect your privacy and keeps you safe.

Harmful Content

Social media can sometimes show things that make people feel bad, unsafe, or want to do things that aren’t healthy. This is called harmful content. You might see pictures or videos that make you feel bad about your body or tell you to do unhealthy things, like not eating enough. This kind of content can hurt your self-esteem and mental health. Many of the photos and videos online are edited or only show the best parts of someone’s life, not the full picture. These unrealistic expectations can make people feel like they have to be perfect all the time, which isn’t fair or healthy. Everyone has good days and bad days, but social media often hides the hard parts.

To protect yourself, remember that it’s okay to be yourself and that nobody is perfect. Try to follow people who are honest and positive, and take breaks from social media when you need to. If something online makes you feel bad, talk to a friend or trusted adult.

Privacy

When you share personal information online—like your full name, address, phone number, or passwords—it can be used in ways you don’t expect. That’s why it’s important to protect your privacy by being careful about what you share and who can see it. Some companies collect your data to show you ads or sell your information, and strangers online might try to trick you into giving away private details. To protect yourself, don’t share private details online, especially with people you don’t know.

When playing games or talking with people you don’t know online, you can use game names and avatars to protect your privacy. Often, online game websites and apps will help you to create a random name that doesn’t require any personal information.

Use strong passwords and keep them secret. You can also check your privacy settings on apps to control who sees your posts.  The National Cybersecurity Alliance (StaySafeOnline.org) provides a list of links to the official privacy settings pages for popular websites and mobile apps, including major social media sites, and a guide to creating and using strong passwords.

Misinformation and Digital Literacy

Not everything you see online is true. Sometimes, people post things that are made up or not based on real facts. This is called misinformation. It can spread quickly on social media because the internet often cares more about what gets attention than what is true. It’s important to check if something is true before you believe it or share it. You can do this by looking it up on trusted websites or asking an adult to help you. 

Learning how to tell the difference between real and fake information online is called digital literacy, and it helps you stay smart and safe online. A big part of being digitally literate is knowing where to find information you can trust. Websites from certain places are often trusted sources. These kinds of websites are generally considered places that share reliable facts and safety tips backed by research:

  • Websites that end with .gov usually belong to the U.S. government, like places that share safety tips or resources.
  • Websites ending with .ed or .edu are often connected to educational organizations or government education departments.
  • Websites ending with .mil are for the U.S. military.

Looking for these endings can be a helpful way to find information you can trust. It’s a good idea to stay current and check trusted websites for the latest information.

Scams

 Scams are tricks people use to try to steal your money or personal information. Scammers might pretend to be someone you know, like a friend or family member, or even act like they’re from your bank or a company you trust. They might send you messages asking for your password, bank info, or to send them money.

If something feels weird or too good to be true, it probably is. One way to stay safe is to check with a trusted adult that you know in person—before you respond.

Rule of Five

One way to stay safe online is by using the “Rule of 5,” which means having five trusted people you can talk to when something online feels wrong or confusing. These people could be parents, teachers, counselors, or other adults who care about you and want to help. If you get a message or see something that makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s always okay to stop and check with one of your five trusted people before you respond. Even if you feel embarrassed or worried, asking for help is the smart thing to do. Your safety matters more than keeping a secret or being afraid of losing your phone. Trusted adults are there to support you, not to get you in trouble.

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to help you identify five people you can trust:

  • Who do I feel safe talking to when something is bothering me?
  • Who listens to me without judging or getting angry?
  • Who has helped me solve a problem before?
  • Who would I go to if I saw something online that made me feel scared or confused?
  • Who do I trust to keep me safe and give good advice?
  • Who do I feel comfortable being honest with, even if I made a mistake?
  • Who do I know that cares about me and wants the best for me?
  • Who could I call or message quickly if I needed help right away?

Once you’ve identified five people, write them down or save their contact info in a safe place.

Helpful infographic on how to find out the 5 people you trust

Final Thoughts

Social media is a tool, and like all tools there are right ways and wrong ways of using it. Social media should help you—not control you. When you know how to stay safe, set limits, and ask for help when something feels wrong, you can enjoy the fun parts of being online. Always try to be kind and respectful, just like you would be in person. With the right tools and support, you can find ways to make social media work for you, not the other way around.

Learn More

Check out the related article, Defining your Social Media Game Plan: #Goals, for self-reflection questions to help children, youth, and young adults identify their goals for social media.

Dating on the Spectrum

Posted on by Nicol Walsh

This article is written for older youth and young adults who are neurodivergent, with an emphasis on autistic neurodivergence. It is based on research and the life experiences of autistic individuals, who chose the term “autistic person” rather than “person with autism” as their person-first term.

Definitions:

  • Neurodivergent: when a person’s mental or neurological function is different from what is thought of as typical or normal. It is often used to describe autistic people or people with other brain-based conditions like attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
  • Ableism: when a person, or most people in a society, believes that being normal means not having a disability. This belief results in discrimination against people with disability because they are viewed as “not normal” or “less than normal.”
  • Infodumping: sharing a large amount of detailed information about a topic all at once, without the back-and-forth of most conversations. It’s a term and communication style that is common among neurodivergent people.
  • Stim, stimming: short version of “self-stimulatory behavior.” Repeated movements, sounds, or other actions by people to regulate their emotions, cope with sensory overload, or express themselves. For example, an autistic person might jiggle their leg while eating dinner with a large group of people or in a noisy room.

Brief Overview:

  • Dating while neurodivergent often looks very different than traditional dating, and there are many aspects to be aware of as you seek out a prospective relationship.
  • Ableism can influence attitudes about dating, relationships, partners, and yourself, so it’s important to think about it and try to change those beliefs both in yourself and in your relationship.
  • Individuals with disabilities are at much higher risk for abuse, sexual victimization, and other issues, so it is important to teach boundaries and use precautions.

Introduction

Neurodivergent individuals are rarely shown as romantic partners in the media. They’re often shown as emotionless robots, or as people who can’t connect well with others. Society often views neurodivergent people dating negatively, which can make it tough to think about relationships.

Still, neurodivergent people do find love, long term partners, and start families. However, they may face more challenges in relationships and are at higher risk of being hurt or abused.

If you accept your neurodivergence and disability as a part of who you are, believe in your ability to act, and learn to express your needs and boundaries (your limits), you will have a better chance of having healthy romantic relationships.

How ableism appears in relationships and stereotypes

Ableism is everywhere, and it can have a tremendous impact on your relationship. Even when you are both disabled, you may have accepted beliefs, stereotypes, and expectations that can affect your wellbeing together.

All these beliefs are false. You can be aware of them, and work to avoid them:

  • People with disabilities can’t get better, it’s pointless to try.
    • Like anyone else, people with disabilities need to work on their own self-improvement, especially in the context of a relationship.
  • It’s ok to stereotype people with disabilities.
    • There’s a lot of media with stereotypes about neurodivergent women in particular. You are more than your diagnosis, and people trying to date you based on your diagnosis should try to understand you as a person rather than a negative stereotype. If they can’t see past those stereotypes, you may want to move on.
  • People with disabilities deserve whatever they can get, it’s ok to mistreat them.
    • It is never ok to mistreat another person. People with disabilities can be successful dating and can choose a partner that’s right for them.
  • People with disabilities can’t be in real relationships.
    • People with disabilities can date, form relationships, get married, move in, become sexually active, and start families. It is absolutely possible to form a healthy, happy relationship. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Why date?

Forming relationships in the 21st century can be difficult. Between navigating dating apps, social media, and shifts in how people look at dating and relationships, it can be hard to know how to approach things. Recent studies show that increasing numbers of young people aren’t pursuing relationships , and with social media sex scams  on the rise, there’s less enthusiasm to partner up. Yet, people still want relationships and it’s important to reflect on your own wants and needs when looking for partner.

Common reasons to pursue dating and relationships include romantic companionship, fun, sexual intimacy, exploring your romantic self, financial stability, and starting a family.

The case for dating neurodivergent partners

Do you want to date someone with a similar disability? Many neurodivergent individuals prefer to date others who are neurodivergent, saying that they tend to understand disability better, they are easier to communicate with, and they often have shared interests and challenges.

However, you may find yourself interested in someone without a disability. In this case you may have a stronger need to know how to advocate for your own needs as someone who has a disability and educate your partner on challenges you face. Self-advocacy, setting boundaries, and having meaningful conversations about expectations, accommodations, and your needs are all skills you can use to help your romantic relationships thrive.

With a neurodivergent partner, relationships are not automatically easy

There’s an old saying: If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. It’s true! All autistic people are different. When you are in a relationship with someone, your neurodivergence and their neurodivergence are going to interact, and sometimes, they mesh very well. For example, you both may love the same tv shows and enjoy infodumping about your shared interests.

However, sometimes they may create friction. For example, your partner may prefer to use an electric toothbrush, and you may find the noise horrible. Figuring out how to create fair solutions that meet everyone’s needs is a challenge, but a critical skill for being in a relationship. As you get closer to a person, you discover all the “sharp and rough edges” of their personality and behaviors. At these points it’s good to remember to love your partner as a whole, because challenging traits and behaviors are as much a part of them as the fun parts.

Know what you want, be open and respectful

As you think about dating, it’s important to know what you want from dating, and look for potential partners whose goals match yours. If you want to start a family, but your romantic partner is seeking a summer fling, neither of you may be satisfied with the relationship. Think clearly about what you are looking for and be willing to communicate your dating or relationship goal with the person you are dating.

Realize that things may change, that a “summer fling” might get serious and turn into a “want to start a family.” It’s important to be open about what you want and be true to yourself about your desires for the relationship, while respecting your partner as an individual with the ability and right to make their own decisions and communicate their own needs.

Self-advocacy

Self-advocacy is the ability to speak up respectfully for your own needs. It might be stating that you need your partner to not spring things on you at the last minute, not slurp soup loudly, or to tell you directly when they are upset with you. In turn, you can make sure that when they self-advocate, you are there to listen to their needs and not become defensive.

It’s helpful to be patient, be an active listener who focuses on the other person and responds thoughtfully and kindly especially when someone advocating for their own needs may seem like criticism.

Some things that can help include:

  • “I” statements: “I feel left out when you don’t tell me that you’re unhappy.”
  • Writing things down to share with the other person
  • Scheduling conversations for times when you can both listen but take breaks as needed.

Here is an article from PAVE with more tips about self-advocacy: Self-Advocacy: Becoming an Active Member in Your Community.

Building neurodivergent joy and identity

A big part of being able to advocate for yourself socially is the ability to think of your neurodivergence in a healthy way. This means thinking of it as part of your identity, finding joy in your neurodivergence, and the ability to explain that your neurodiverse behaviors are a part of you. In a society that is not designed for neurodivergent people, they are often stigmatized or seen as wrong or broken. Creating a culture of acceptance in your relationship can help you and your partner see yourselves in a more positive light.

Here are some ways you can do this:

  • Explain your neurodivergent traits and what they mean in your own words. You might say, “I like to stim like this because it helps clear the fog out of my head and helps me get centered so I can relax with you on the couch.”
  • Finding the joy may be difficult in a world not designed for neurodivergent happiness, but being able to infodump, explore pleasant sensory experiences, or stimming together can help build a sense of shared joy.
  • Finally, making neurodivergence part of your identity can be very powerful. By making it your own, and taking pride in it, you take away much of the power of people who would call you broken. By building a healthy sense of identity and ownership of your disability in your relationship, you set yourself up for a healthier view of yourself and your relationship, not as people who are defined by being broken, but defined by being different.

Safety

Safety in a relationship is critical, because if you don’t feel safe in a relationship, it is not a healthy relationship. If you cannot advocate for your own safety needs, it is time to look out for yourself and leave the relationship.

Unfortunately, the rates of abuse in autistic relationships are high.  Some say abusers target disabled individuals because abusers think the disabled person is less likely to leave, others feel that the higher levels of stress in autistic relationships can trigger unhealthy relationship dynamics. It becomes very important to educate yourself on the various types of abuse and keep or build a community of supportive people who can help you if you need to leave an abusive relationship.

Self-advocating for safety: sometimes relationships can start to feel uncomfortable or not safe. You can tell your partner that you don’t feel comfortable and need things to “stop right now.” An example: your partner has started drinking a lot, and you do not feel safe with them when they’re drunk. You want to tell them you don’t feel safe when they’ve been drinking more, and they need to reduce how much they drink if they want the relationship to continue.

One healthy way to set boundaries is to use the ‘If you do X, I will do Y.” method, which focuses on their behavior, and your response. For example, “If you yell at me again like that, I will go to my parents for the weekend.” That way, you set an expectation, and your response is your own. These conversations are difficult, and can be intimidating, but it’s better to address things and come to a resolution, than be stuck in an unsafe situation which may get worse.

Working on yourself as a romantic partner

While your disability can play a large part in your relationship, that doesn’t remove the need to see yourself as a romantic partner first, with your own strengths and challenges. Some of these may be related to your disability, some of these might simply be personal traits.

When you know which strengths and challenges are due to disability, and which are due to personal traits can help you and your partner work through conflicts more easily. As an example, becoming dysregulated and upset when your partner cooks with garlic, a serious sensory challenge for you, may be tied to your disability.

However, becoming upset because your partner wants you to help more with cooking when you’d rather play videogames may be something to work on as a partner.
When you discuss these issues or situations with your partner, a need based on your disability is not something you can change, while choosing to play video games over helping to cook is under your control.


Being a good partner is being able to grow and inspire growth with your partner. When you understand the nature of the challenge, know how to communicate it, and can help figure out a solution that works for everyone, that’s a sign of a healthy relationship and being a good partner.

A final note on this: it can be helpful to find other neurodivergent couples and seek their advice on what works, or a relationship counselor who specializes in neurodivergent relationships. There’s no shame in getting help if you need it.

Challenges

Unfortunately, dating while disabled comes with several challenges from living in a society where neurodivergence and disability are not always supported.

  • Marriage penalty: Due to the limit on assets to receive disability benefits, you may lose your SSI benefits if you get married.  Because of this, many disabled couples do not get married as they would lose their lifesaving benefits.
  • Scams: There has been a marked increase in internet scams targeting people with disabilities. Educating yourself on the various scams and online threats out there is very important. 
  • Lack of trained therapists and appropriate sexual or relationship education: Finding neurodiversity-affirming couples therapy and sex-ed can be difficult. Couples’ therapists may not be trained to understand the experiences of neurodivergent couples. In addition, many neurodivergent and disabled people may not receive sexual or healthy relationship education. Those who do receive this education may find it’s not effective for them (i.e., abstinence-based education) or based around neurotypical relationship norms.

It’s up to the individual or couple to look for community resources on healthy neurodivergent relationships if you need more support or information.

Living your best disabled life together

There’s a scene in the film Tekkon Kinkreet’ where an autistic boy says of his mentally ill brother, “I’m missing pieces, and he’s missing pieces. But he’s got all the pieces I need, and I’ve got all the parts he needs!” This can be a big reality for a lot of disabled couples; you are stronger together and can use your unique abilities to help your partner out. Find ways to use the strengths and skills that come with your disability to support each other.

For example, if someone with ADHD is dating someone with autism and they move in together, the person with ADHD can handle all the unique chores that only need to be done once or twice a year, while the autistic person handles the weekly apartment cleaning. That way the person with ADHD can handle novel tasks that the autistic person may struggle with, while the autistic person does chores as part of a regular routine that they’re comfortable with.

As a couple, you can define your relationship on your own terms. Maybe the yard is messy, or your apartment isn’t as organized as you’d like, but being able to be together and help each other flourish is what’s important.

Finally, it’s important to realize that your relationship is in some ways an act of defiance against a world that would deem it, and you, wrong, strange, or broken. Things will often be more difficult. You may be more likely to be fired from a job or fail in school. You might have communication issues with others, or your partner. You may run into various barriers within your own abilities, or things that are imposed by the larger society. That is why it is important to be patient and understanding, but able to find those special things that bring joy in a way that is unique to your relationship. Joy in the face of stigma is the ultimate act of resistance.

Conclusion

In conclusion, dating while neurodivergent comes with challenges, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. In fact, many neurodivergent people go on to have healthy dating lives, and end up forming families together, or figure out ways to create happy relationships with neurotypical partners. At the end of the day, being in a healthy relationship is your path, and you can make it work for you AND your partner, equally.