Tag: neurodivergence

Neurodivergent individuals are rarely shown as romantic partners in the media. They’re often shown as emotionless robots, or as people who can’t connect well with others. Society often views neurodivergent people dating negatively, which can make it tough to think about relationships.

Still, neurodivergent people do find love, long term partners, and start families. However, they may face more challenges in relationships and are at higher risk of being hurt or abused.

If you accept your neurodivergence and disability as a part of who you are, believe in your ability to act, and learn to express your needs and boundaries (your limits), you will have a better chance of having healthy romantic relationships.

Ableism is everywhere, and it can have a tremendous impact on your relationship. Even when you are both disabled, you may have accepted beliefs, stereotypes, and expectations that can affect your wellbeing together.

All these beliefs are false. You can be aware of them, and work to avoid them:

• People with disabilities can’t get better, it’s pointless to try.
  • Like anyone else, people with disabilities need to work on their own self-improvement, especially in the context of a relationship.
• It’s ok to stereotype people with disabilities.
  • There’s a lot of media with stereotypes about neurodivergent women in particular. You are more than your diagnosis, and people trying to date you based on your diagnosis should try to understand you as a person rather than a negative stereotype. If they can’t see past those stereotypes, you may want to move on.
• People with disabilities deserve whatever they can get, it’s ok to mistreat them.
  • It is never ok to mistreat another person. People with disabilities can be successful dating and can choose a partner that’s right for them.
• People with disabilities can’t be in real relationships.
  • People with disabilities can date, form relationships, get married, move in, become sexually active, and start families. It is absolutely possible to form a healthy, happy relationship. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Forming relationships in the 21^st century can be difficult. Between navigating dating apps, social media, and shifts in how people look at dating and relationships, it can be hard to know how to approach things. Recent studies show that increasing numbers of young people aren’t pursuing relationships , and with social media sex scams  on the rise, there’s less enthusiasm to partner up. Yet, people still want relationships and it’s important to reflect on your own wants and needs when looking for partner.

Common reasons to pursue dating and relationships include romantic companionship, fun, sexual intimacy, exploring your romantic self, financial stability, and starting a family.

Do you want to date someone with a similar disability? Many neurodivergent individuals prefer to date others who are neurodivergent, saying that they tend to understand disability better, they are easier to communicate with, and they often have shared interests and challenges.

However, you may find yourself interested in someone without a disability. In this case you may have a stronger need to know how to advocate for your own needs as someone who has a disability and educate your partner on challenges you face. Self-advocacy, setting boundaries, and having meaningful conversations about expectations, accommodations, and your needs are all skills you can use to help your romantic relationships thrive.

There’s an old saying: If you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. It’s true! All autistic people are different. When you are in a relationship with someone, your neurodivergence and their neurodivergence are going to interact, and sometimes, they mesh very well. For example, you both may love the same tv shows and enjoy infodumping about your shared interests.

However, sometimes they may create friction. For example, your partner may prefer to use an electric toothbrush, and you may find the noise horrible. Figuring out how to create fair solutions that meet everyone’s needs is a challenge, but a critical skill for being in a relationship. As you get closer to a person, you discover all the “sharp and rough edges” of their personality and behaviors. At these points it’s good to remember to love your partner as a whole, because challenging traits and behaviors are as much a part of them as the fun parts.

Know what you want, be open and respectful

As you think about dating, it’s important to know what you want from dating, and look for potential partners whose goals match yours. If you want to start a family, but your romantic partner is seeking a summer fling, neither of you may be satisfied with the relationship. Think clearly about what you are looking for and be willing to communicate your dating or relationship goal with the person you are dating.

Realize that things may change, that a “summer fling” might get serious and turn into a “want to start a family.” It’s important to be open about what you want and be true to yourself about your desires for the relationship, while respecting your partner as an individual with the ability and right to make their own decisions and communicate their own needs.

Self-advocacy is the ability to speak up respectfully for your own needs. It might be stating that you need your partner to not spring things on you at the last minute, not slurp soup loudly, or to tell you directly when they are upset with you. In turn, you can make sure that when they self-advocate, you are there to listen to their needs and not become defensive.

It’s helpful to be patient, be an active listener who focuses on the other person and responds thoughtfully and kindly especially when someone advocating for their own needs may seem like criticism.

Some things that can help include:

• “I” statements: “I feel left out when you don’t tell me that you’re unhappy.”
• Writing things down to share with the other person
• Scheduling conversations for times when you can both listen but take breaks as needed.

Here is an article from PAVE with more tips about self-advocacy: Self-Advocacy: Becoming an Active Member in Your Community.

A big part of being able to advocate for yourself socially is the ability to think of your neurodivergence in a healthy way. This means thinking of it as part of your identity, finding joy in your neurodivergence, and the ability to explain that your neurodiverse behaviors are a part of you. In a society that is not designed for neurodivergent people, they are often stigmatized or seen as wrong or broken. Creating a culture of acceptance in your relationship can help you and your partner see yourselves in a more positive light.

Here are some ways you can do this:

• Explain your neurodivergent traits and what they mean in your own words. You might say, “I like to stim like this because it helps clear the fog out of my head and helps me get centered so I can relax with you on the couch.”
• Finding the joy may be difficult in a world not designed for neurodivergent happiness, but being able to infodump, explore pleasant sensory experiences, or stimming together can help build a sense of shared joy.
• Finally, making neurodivergence part of your identity can be very powerful. By making it your own, and taking pride in it, you take away much of the power of people who would call you broken. By building a healthy sense of identity and ownership of your disability in your relationship, you set yourself up for a healthier view of yourself and your relationship, not as people who are defined by being broken, but defined by being different.

Safety in a relationship is critical, because if you don’t feel safe in a relationship, it is not a healthy relationship. If you cannot advocate for your own safety needs, it is time to look out for yourself and leave the relationship.

Unfortunately, the rates of abuse in autistic relationships are high.  Some say abusers target disabled individuals because abusers think the disabled person is less likely to leave, others feel that the higher levels of stress in autistic relationships can trigger unhealthy relationship dynamics. It becomes very important to educate yourself on the various types of abuse and keep or build a community of supportive people who can help you if you need to leave an abusive relationship.

Self-advocating for safety: sometimes relationships can start to feel uncomfortable or not safe. You can tell your partner that you don’t feel comfortable and need things to “stop right now.” An example: your partner has started drinking a lot, and you do not feel safe with them when they’re drunk. You want to tell them you don’t feel safe when they’ve been drinking more, and they need to reduce how much they drink if they want the relationship to continue.

One healthy way to set boundaries is to use the ‘If you do X, I will do Y.” method, which focuses on their behavior, and your response. For example, “If you yell at me again like that, I will go to my parents for the weekend.” That way, you set an expectation, and your response is your own. These conversations are difficult, and can be intimidating, but it’s better to address things and come to a resolution, than be stuck in an unsafe situation which may get worse.

While your disability can play a large part in your relationship, that doesn’t remove the need to see yourself as a romantic partner first, with your own strengths and challenges. Some of these may be related to your disability, some of these might simply be personal traits.

When you know which strengths and challenges are due to disability, and which are due to personal traits can help you and your partner work through conflicts more easily. As an example, becoming dysregulated and upset when your partner cooks with garlic, a serious sensory challenge for you, may be tied to your disability.

However, becoming upset because your partner wants you to help more with cooking when you’d rather play videogames may be something to work on as a partner.
When you discuss these issues or situations with your partner, a need based on your disability is not something you can change, while choosing to play video games over helping to cook is under your control.

Being a good partner is being able to grow and inspire growth with your partner. When you understand the nature of the challenge, know how to communicate it, and can help figure out a solution that works for everyone, that’s a sign of a healthy relationship and being a good partner.

A final note on this: it can be helpful to find other neurodivergent couples and seek their advice on what works, or a relationship counselor who specializes in neurodivergent relationships. There’s no shame in getting help if you need it.

Challenges

Unfortunately, dating while disabled comes with several challenges from living in a society where neurodivergence and disability are not always supported.

• Marriage penalty: Due to the limit on assets to receive disability benefits, you may lose your SSI benefits if you get married.  Because of this, many disabled couples do not get married as they would lose their lifesaving benefits.
• Scams: There has been a marked increase in internet scams targeting people with disabilities. Educating yourself on the various scams and online threats out there is very important. 
• Lack of trained therapists and appropriate sexual or relationship education: Finding neurodiversity-affirming couples therapy and sex-ed can be difficult. Couples’ therapists may not be trained to understand the experiences of neurodivergent couples. In addition, many neurodivergent and disabled people may not receive sexual or healthy relationship education. Those who do receive this education may find it’s not effective for them (i.e., abstinence-based education) or based around neurotypical relationship norms.

It’s up to the individual or couple to look for community resources on healthy neurodivergent relationships if you need more support or information.

Living your best disabled life together

There’s a scene in the film Tekkon Kinkreet’ where an autistic boy says of his mentally ill brother, “I’m missing pieces, and he’s missing pieces. But he’s got all the pieces I need, and I’ve got all the parts he needs!” This can be a big reality for a lot of disabled couples; you are stronger together and can use your unique abilities to help your partner out. Find ways to use the strengths and skills that come with your disability to support each other.

For example, if someone with ADHD is dating someone with autism and they move in together, the person with ADHD can handle all the unique chores that only need to be done once or twice a year, while the autistic person handles the weekly apartment cleaning. That way the person with ADHD can handle novel tasks that the autistic person may struggle with, while the autistic person does chores as part of a regular routine that they’re comfortable with.

As a couple, you can define your relationship on your own terms. Maybe the yard is messy, or your apartment isn’t as organized as you’d like, but being able to be together and help each other flourish is what’s important.

Finally, it’s important to realize that your relationship is in some ways an act of defiance against a world that would deem it, and you, wrong, strange, or broken. Things will often be more difficult. You may be more likely to be fired from a job or fail in school. You might have communication issues with others, or your partner. You may run into various barriers within your own abilities, or things that are imposed by the larger society. That is why it is important to be patient and understanding, but able to find those special things that bring joy in a way that is unique to your relationship. Joy in the face of stigma is the ultimate act of resistance.

In conclusion, dating while neurodivergent comes with challenges, but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. In fact, many neurodivergent people go on to have healthy dating lives, and end up forming families together, or figure out ways to create happy relationships with neurotypical partners. At the end of the day, being in a healthy relationship is your path, and you can make it work for you AND your partner, equally.