While your disability can play a large part in your relationship, that doesn’t remove the need to see yourself as a romantic partner first, with your own strengths and challenges. Some of these may be related to your disability, some of these might simply be personal traits.
When you know which strengths and challenges are due to disability, and which are due to personal traits can help you and your partner work through conflicts more easily. As an example, becoming dysregulated and upset when your partner cooks with garlic, a serious sensory challenge for you, may be tied to your disability.
However, becoming upset because your partner wants you to help more with cooking when you’d rather play videogames may be something to work on as a partner.
When you discuss these issues or situations with your partner, a need based on your disability is not something you can change, while choosing to play video games over helping to cook is under your control.
Being a good partner is being able to grow and inspire growth with your partner. When you understand the nature of the challenge, know how to communicate it, and can help figure out a solution that works for everyone, that’s a sign of a healthy relationship and being a good partner.
A final note on this: it can be helpful to find other neurodivergent couples and seek their advice on what works, or a relationship counselor who specializes in neurodivergent relationships. There’s no shame in getting help if you need it.
Challenges
Unfortunately, dating while disabled comes with several challenges from living in a society where neurodivergence and disability are not always supported.
- Marriage penalty: Due to the limit on assets to receive disability benefits, you may lose your SSI benefits if you get married. Because of this, many disabled couples do not get married as they would lose their lifesaving benefits.
- Scams: There has been a marked increase in internet scams targeting people with disabilities. Educating yourself on the various scams and online threats out there is very important.
- Lack of trained therapists and appropriate sexual or relationship education: Finding neurodiversity-affirming couples therapy and sex-ed can be difficult. Couples’ therapists may not be trained to understand the experiences of neurodivergent couples. In addition, many neurodivergent and disabled people may not receive sexual or healthy relationship education. Those who do receive this education may find it’s not effective for them (i.e., abstinence-based education) or based around neurotypical relationship norms.
It’s up to the individual or couple to look for community resources on healthy neurodivergent relationships if you need more support or information.
Living your best disabled life together
There’s a scene in the film Tekkon Kinkreet’ where an autistic boy says of his mentally ill brother, “I’m missing pieces, and he’s missing pieces. But he’s got all the pieces I need, and I’ve got all the parts he needs!” This can be a big reality for a lot of disabled couples; you are stronger together and can use your unique abilities to help your partner out. Find ways to use the strengths and skills that come with your disability to support each other.
For example, if someone with ADHD is dating someone with autism and they move in together, the person with ADHD can handle all the unique chores that only need to be done once or twice a year, while the autistic person handles the weekly apartment cleaning. That way the person with ADHD can handle novel tasks that the autistic person may struggle with, while the autistic person does chores as part of a regular routine that they’re comfortable with.
As a couple, you can define your relationship on your own terms. Maybe the yard is messy, or your apartment isn’t as organized as you’d like, but being able to be together and help each other flourish is what’s important.
Finally, it’s important to realize that your relationship is in some ways an act of defiance against a world that would deem it, and you, wrong, strange, or broken. Things will often be more difficult. You may be more likely to be fired from a job or fail in school. You might have communication issues with others, or your partner. You may run into various barriers within your own abilities, or things that are imposed by the larger society. That is why it is important to be patient and understanding, but able to find those special things that bring joy in a way that is unique to your relationship. Joy in the face of stigma is the ultimate act of resistance.
