Many family caregivers find it difficult to ask for help in taking care of their loved ones. Whether it’s because they don’t want to burden others, not wanting to admit they need help, or feel that it’s “something that family does”, caregivers often don’t ask for help, or they reject help when it is offered. Despite the best intentions behind this, it’s not good for the caregiver or the person they care for. Overburdened and overwhelmed caregivers are not as effective at caregiving. Their loved one, who can tell that their caregiver is exhausted, may feel frustrated and guilty. Getting assistance from outside sources is helpful for everyone. Use these ideas to begin!
Start small: Ease into taking caregiving breaks (respite breaks). If a friend or family member offers to stay with your loved one, make the first respite break short. Have them take over care while you take a shower, run an errand, or take a walk. These short breaks will allow your friend or family member to get a feel for caregiving and allow you and the person you care for to adjust. This easing into respite can be especially important if the person you care for is an individual with intellectual or developmental disabilities or a person with dementia who has trouble adjusting to change.
Think about the interests and strengths of your friends and family. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, things they enjoy and things they dislike. Keep these in mind when using a family member or friend to help with caregiving. Allow your cousin who loves to cook to make a meal and your neighbor who loves to drive around town take your loved one to appointments. If a potential caregiver and your loved one have something in common that they enjoy, all the better.
Be prepared: Before anyone starts helping, put together a full sheet of information on the person you care for. This should include medications, schedule, likes and dislikes, and emergency contact information. Include what you want the caregiver to do, like help with bathing, cooking, or exercises.
Timing is everything: Ask for help in respite care during a time that is convenient for the potential respite caregiver. This means contacting them at a time when you know they will not be busy and asking their help at times when they are not working or are busy with other responsibilities. If you don’t know their specific schedule, ask when they might be free to help.
Be honest: When you ask for caregiving help, honesty is the best policy. Explain to the potential caregiver why you need a break, and why you think they would be a great person to help fill that gap. Also be up front about your concerns, as they will help the potential caregiver decide if they feel comfortable helping.
Accept the word “no”: Not everyone is comfortable being a caregiver, even if they have been one in the past. People’s lives are busy, they have plenty of other stress, and sometimes they have private issues that would keep them from being a respite caregiver. This doesn’t mean that they care about you or your loved one any less; it just means that they are not mentally or physically able to help in this manner. You can always ask for other forms of help, like having them run errands for you when you are too busy or bringing a meal occasionally. Allowing someone to say no to caregiving but still help when needed is valuable to everyone involved.
Plan ahead: You never know when you will need emergency respite, so having a couple of people on standby who have some experience in caregiving for your loved one is essential. Read more about planning for emergency respite in our article “Do You Have an Emergency Respite Plan?”
Share the care: Just as no single person should have to be completely responsible for another person’s care, so there should be more than one respite caregiver. Think critically about your own friends and family who would be willing to help, along with the friends and family of the person who needs care, some of whom you may not know as well. They may wish to help, but don’t know how to ask. Having several people help from time to time means none of them get burnt out, and your loved one gets to see an array of friendly faces.
What about reaching beyond family and immediate friends to the groups in which you have been active, such as your exercise class members, your faith community, your parent group, etc. You might say something like “I haven’t been to book group in a while because I’ve been caring for my father, and I’m badly in need of a break. Do you think you might be able to come over and read to Dad for an hour next week?”
Think about professional respite care: There are a variety of ways to afford professional services for the person receiving care. Explore these resources from PAVE:
- Respite Offers a Break for Caregivers and Those They Support has information on different sources of respite care in WA State, many of which cover some or all the cost of care.
- Resources for Family Caregivers: Lifespan Respite WA, a program of PAVE, offers this webpage with a variety of information including financial support for respite breaks.